by Shahram “Shah” Dabiri
This is a message for the Gen-Xers, anyone born after 1965 and before the 1990s, a.k.a. Digital Emigrants.
We were not born with the internet, rather we were force-fed the Internet of Things: from dial-up AOL, to OKCupid, to Tinder/Bumble/Grindr/Hinge. You and I are unaware and confused test subjects in the complex experiment of digital dating!
Don’t Panic!
So, many including myself found our first partners the old fashioned way….accidental encounter, introduced by friends, met at church, maybe at a local bar or at work or university. As the kids say today, “IRL,” meaning “in real life.”
Your distressed jeans-wearing, Doc Martens-rocking, CD Man-carrying, Living Single-watching analog self met your last partner locally. They probably lived locally, you talked once a day and went out once a week for low key coffee or pizza at the local cafe or bar.
Your options and opportunities were whoever lived locally and you were very okay with that! It was comfortable and you had common ground and probably met at the local cafe….The common ground where you talked about last night’s episode of The X-Files. But now you are digitally, globally dating, my good friend!
The world is now your questionable oyster, your gas station sushi, the stale bread they put on your table at an off-flavor New Jersey restaurant, and you are rightfully starting to worry.
Don’t Panic!
WELCOME TO ONLINE DATING: A global marketplace where nothing is what it seems and no one actually wins!
Think of online dating as getting your hopes up for having a good time in Atlantic City, in October, on a Wednesday night during Furry Con.
If you are a guy, you are competing with men who look better than you, make more money than you, and offer many more things than you could!
She wants a boat guy for the summer, she can manifest said boat guy for the summer! A lumberjack for the fall, one pair of Han Solo boots and a big hat on her profile, and here comes Paul Bunyan! He owns a horse farm! I bet you never knew they farmed horses or there was such a thing as manifesting a date?
But you are doing GREAT my good man! You are doing just great! Look, you swiped right 500 times and you got two matches! Two full matches this month! And one just told you that you won that lotto in Kerplakistan! You didn’t even know you were looking in Kerplakistan!?
Don’t Panic!
If you are a woman, you are competing against women half your age, half your size, who had work done or won the genetic lottery, because of course it’s natural!
Back in the day, she and you were at least geographically bound to compete in the same place for the same guy, toe to toe as they say. And once that guy got to see how much more down to earth and AWESOME you were, because you too loved Queen Latifah, Biggie Smalls and Tupac, he would fall in love with you for your dimples and giggles.
But here in today’s world, did that photo filtering, double pants-wearing, lying-about-her-age-on-that-questionable-dating-app lady just get flown out to Miami for a New Year’s boat party by that plastic surgeon with the great hair and perfect smile!?
But you are doing GREAT my good lady!! You are doing just great! Look, you just got 15 matches just now with only five swipes of yes! And four of them want to show you their really big fish! And that one guy who does seem nice doesn’t own a boat….or has hair.
Don’t Panic!
So you do what every good Frasier-watching Gen-Xer does: therapy! Where all of life’s problems are neatly disassembled and figured out in one perfect TV episode…But let’s be honest with ourselves, shall we? Your therapist is also a Gen-Xer lost in this digital world!
If you don’t know how to meet decent people in this digital experiment and are scared you may grow old and die alone while streaming The Simpsons, do you think your therapist who is scared of what tech will be given to them by the Gen-Z receptionists to streamline patient services does? NO!
Your therapist is thinking, “oh, if I could only stick my toes into that sweet, sweet digital high-end Equinox gym-level dating pool filled with boat owning, horse farming, beautiful people I see in all the commercials, I could quit this gig and live the life I deserve! On a horse farm or a boat in Miami! I bet I can manifest a helicopter guy if I just used the right lighting and filters!”
Don’t Panic!
So it’s now two weeks until New Year’s and your options are to walk the streets alone, be at a couple of parties alone, go to a nightclub alone, or…stay home alone? And you are panicking a little to a lot right now! Don’t panic, you are not alone!
Well, you are, but the point is that you’re not alone in your loneliness! I can’t say therapy has helped me not panic, but it’s helped me panic less! I can’t say online dating coaches have helped me meet people, but they have helped me realize that it’s a digital mess designed to not be fun.
My two cents of advice, if there is any good advice to be had:
Take risks! Walk into the bar, cafe and sit down and look around and smile like a fool. Maybe consider going to church or a place of gathering. Try your hand at sports! Volo is a great place to meet random people. The key to not panicking is not thinking, and the healthiest way to not think is to not be alone and to always keep creating! And if you can afford it or can do it, join a gym and any time that leviathan of panic creeps up on you, go to the gym and walk walk walk with headphones on, listening to a good book.
Who knows, maybe you will meet Mr. or Ms. right on the treadmill next to you…and can talk about how much you both hated the final episode of Seinfeld.